30 May 2011

Karen Walker: Role Model

A collection of lines from Karen Walker (played by Megan Mullally) in Will & Grace:

Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Martini, honey, and don't waste any space with those olives!

Grace! It's Christmas for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower letting his hair down, so that the three wise men could climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter!

You know what those rocks need... a little scotch.

Oh honey somebody got some flowers... or as i like to call them "poor people's jewelery."

Okay, Rule #1: Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.

Well, I feel a little bit uncomfortable. All of these gay eyes on me. Judging me. Undressing me. Then dressing me up again in a different outfit.

The boys only liked me because I was kind and I listened, and I let them bang me under the bleachers while everybody watched.

That’s like saying Pradas are just shoes or vodka is just a morning beverage.

Will, I forget, are you gay or straight these days? Wait, let me do a little test...There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and its on fire, which do you save?

Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on! I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything. You know, like maternal or addiction.

You say potato, I say vodka.


Husbands come and go, but the Chanel slingback is forever.

What can I do? How can I help? What are we drinking?

Gay, straight, black or white. We all finish ouselves off in the end anyway.

Honey, you're so gay when you fell outta the gay tree, you hit every gay branch on the way down. then you landed on a gay man. Then you did him.

(About quitting coffee) It won't be easy, but every morning when I wake up, I'll just have to get used to drinking my Bailey's straight. It'll still be the best part of waking up.

Honey, the only thing that can get rid of those wrinkles is either a time machine or death. And I would suggest: death.

I like Filipinos. They're Asian, but not cocky about it.

All right, if I'm not back in ten minutes, you can have my drink. Oh, God, what am I saying?! That's crazy.

Honey, you're simple, you're shallow, you're a common whore - that's why we're soulmates.

Hurry up...I'm in a bad neighborhood and I just used the last of my pepper spray on a pushy Jehovah's Witness.

You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams... Well that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny.

Nobody calls me a racist! A homophobe...maybe, distrustful of Mexicans...who isn't? But I am not racist, just ask anyone I own!

Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix. Uppers, downers, and candy corn. And don't tell my doctor, he's trying to get me off sugar.

If you want people to like you, you have to buy them things.

I know, honey. Grace is driving me nuts, too. She can't concentrate on work anymore. Mm-mm. She just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time, ordering furniture? Honey, where's she gonna put all that, huh? In these "houses" she's drawing? Oh...

Wow, look at you. Most girls who are knocked-up and abandoned by the love of their life get a little down. But you... you just keep piling on that make-up as if you actually believe that anybody's ever going to find you attractive again. I applaud your pluck!

Or... Or... I could do to her what she did to Stan. Have sex with her until she dies! Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. Open up, Lorraine! And put on a condom!

I like Will's family. They drink.

By your inflection I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny but, no.

Grace, you're going to have a Jewish black baby! I believe that's called a macaroon.

Why’d you hurt your back, running away from good taste?

Honey, these noodles are terrif'. And that's a big compliment coming from me. I'm Asian.

What are you doing here, you frosted mini-wheat?

Oh isn't that nice, the holiday whore is taking a year off this year.

Honey, I wanted to talk to you about the wedding. I booked Saint Patrick's Cathedral. I know you're Jewish, but I couldn't find a bank or a deli on such short notice.

We're all lesbians when the right guy isn't around.

Hush, little gay boy, don't say a word. Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

Well, deal me in. I've got a lifetime membership to the losers club. Hm-mm. I've been dumped by one-ton billionaires, heads of state, and every member of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but I'm not naming names. What's so great about another person, huh? All they do is manhandle your boobs and eat all the ham.

Grace, remember that afternoon and we were walking down 5th Avenue and you saw that ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "I would give anything to buy that ring"?... I bought it for myself.

You and Will? Woman, are you insane? You can't share a bathroom with the person you're living with. Honey, do you know where Stan's bathroom is?... God, I don't even know where Stan's bathroom is.

Jackie, I caught your bird! I lured it with a Mint Milano [bird drops dead]... and some whiskey to wash it down.

Honey, where the hell have you been, you know when I drop by unexpectedly I like for you to be here so that you can say something stupid and I can say something about recreational drugs.

I never understood the mating rituals of the poor.

Hey Jackie, as I once said to Celine Dion, why the long face?

Ah, would you look at us. Will is mean, Grace is flat chested, Jack pretends like he's following us. And well I'm... I'm high from something i found in your bathroom basin. Ah the old gang is back.


1 comment:

  1. May I politely suggest another?

    "Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick."


    Thank you for collating these wonderful lines.

    ReplyDelete

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